


Too Young to be This Old

by Mishafer



Series: Saturating the Reibert tag with Actual Reibert Fics [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Anal Sex, Angst, Emotional Baggage, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Third Person Omniscient, Past Violence, Pre-Canon, Self-Esteem Issues, Semi-Public Sex, Takes place before they join the cadets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-16 20:13:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11260134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mishafer/pseuds/Mishafer
Summary: Reiner and Bertholdt were too young be war machines. Too young to have shed bucketfuls blood. Too young to be on their own in a strange land. Too young to be housed in a kind woman's home, hands roaming all over each other’s bodies while Annie slept just feet away. But when doomed to short lives and the heaviest weights upon their shoulders, why did it matter how fast they grew up? They stopped being children the day guns were placed in their small hands.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't strictly a kink piece, though it started out that way. I realized them being sexually active in their early teens made a great allegory for growing up too fast. Of course, I don't know what the societal norms/views of sexual activity at their age are in the SNK-verse, but I'm taking the liberty to assume it's generally hush hush. 
> 
> The amount of sex in this fist chap... there's method to my madness, I swear. ;)

Their skin burned as they undressed beneath the covers, grinding against each other, soft panting filling the tiny room. _”Shhhh, don't wake Annie.”_  She wouldn't understand. She was so calm and collected. Distant. She didn’t have this need inside, did she? Clawing its way out and desperate for release.

Reiner pushed Bertholdt onto his back, hands planted on either side, and they stared at each for a moment. Bertholdt's pupils were blown and sweat gleamed across his skin in the dim light. He had grown much in such a short period. Shot up at least half a foot and developed an intoxicating scent. A pull that shocked Reiner to his bones the day he realized he really,  _really_  wanted to touch his best friend. The hunger in Reiner’s gaze made Bertholdt's breath hitch. The taller boy’s hands traced the blond’s growing muscle. He acquired it so easily—doing half the work and getting twice the tone Bertholdt got. He wasn’t jealous because he got to touch that incredible body whenever he wanted.

Their lips met and Bertholdt bit down on his partner’s bottom one. A sting of pain sliced through the tender flesh that was already chapped from earlier nibbling. Reiner let out a strangled groan and moved his partner's hips back, his long legs hooking around his back. They were finally doing this and it was a new level of debauchery, wasn’t it? They’ve fingered each other more times than they could count, but never  _fucked_  before.

Reiner knelt between his legs and already had the vial of grapeseed oil in his hands. Gifted to all three so kindly by their host, Miss May, to soothe their calloused fingers. Their eyes remained locked as Reiner deposited the oil on his fingers and slicked them across his friend’s sensitive flesh, then his own eager cock. His fingers prodded him open and Bertholdt smiled at the familiar sensation of warm oil and rough digits that had come to mean  _Reiner_.

He jerked into his touch. "Reiner..."

"Bertl, shhh." Reiner brushed a thumb across his cheek, noting the thin layer of baby fat that remained. He started stretching him open and Bertholdt bit back a moan. "That's it," the blond mouthed with a smirk, his entrance relaxing around his fingers. His own dick twitched at the anticipation, already dripping with precome. The very thought of being inside Bertholdt made him dizzy.

Bertholdt gave Reiner's erection a tug, indicating he was ready. He replaced his fingers with himself, sliding in at a painfully slow pace because  _oh fuck that was tight_. And hot. And so incredibly like—

"Bertholdt," Reiner moaned too loud, then looked to Annie. She lay with her back turned, perfectly still.

Bertholdt's eyes were half lidded, back arching as he took in the length stretching him to the brim. Back and forth, he built a steady rhythm as he thrust in and out. Sweet mother of god neither of them thought anything's ever felt so good.

To hell with it being ‘too soon.’ This was perfect.

Bertholdt rolled his hips up, gripping Reiner's arms and pulling him closer. The blond then lifted his hips back further, the head of his dick brushing against that sweet bundle of nerves. Bertholdt gasped at the electrical sensation and dug his nails into his partner's arms. His other hand snaked around his own erection and he bucked into his own touch.

Reiner pushed in as far as he could and the tight heat squeezed his length. He hesitated before increasing his pace, worrying he would hurt him before he recalled Bertholdt telling him he didn’t want him to hold back once they did this. So the blond started pounding away. Bertholdt was not a porcelain doll. They didn’t give porcelain dolls the second strongest titan in existence. Bedsprings squeaked as they continued, an obscene squelch every so often.

Annie's bedsprings squeaked as well and they peered over to see her pulling a pillow over her head. They’d gotten too loud. They should stop, say,  _"We're so sorry, Annie. This won't happen again,"_  but neither of them could bring themselves to stop. They were too far gone to care. She would just have to deal with it.

"I love you," Reiner forced out between heady breaths. "I love you."

"L—love you too," Bertholdt said, sharp aches radiating through his core with each intrusion. He should hate it, tell him to slow down, but Reiner owning him like this had every nerve in his body flaring. The tension coiled to a crescendo before peaking, and he came with force, muffling a scream as painful pleasure seared through him and coated his stomach.

Reiner relished how he clenched around him and gave a last few uneven rolls of his hips, nearing the edge before thrusting almost uncomfortably far inside and overflowing with a few muffled whines. Still couldn’t have their sitter hearing them.

He reluctantly pulled out and collapsed ontop of him, breathing against his shoulder. The room was quiet, though he half expected an,  _"Are you finally done?"_  from Annie, but none came.

He rolled off of him and onto his side, looking back at Bertholdt's flushed face. "You alright?" he asked.

Bertholdt nodded, a lazy smile touching his lips. "Yeah.” He pulled him close, hooking his hands around the back of his neck. “Definitely.”

Reiner needed to get back to his respective bed, but he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving his love just yet. But May might get suspicious if for the third time they told her they were in bed together because the other had a nightmare.

Bertholdt jolted up when he recalled the mess between his legs and on his stomach. He reached around for something—anything—to clean up with. Oil and come made stains. They've been able to avoid them thus far. Sitting, he saw the sheets were already tarnished.

***

Bertholdt washed dishes at the kitchen sink and gazed out the rain-dampened window. The impoverished citizens milled about the streets. Many were refugees from Wall Maria’s destruction, including their host, Miss May. Naturally, the three’s fabricated story of titans attacking their own home created a kinship with the woman.

May’s quick footsteps bounded across the dingy tile and Bertholdt gulped at the sound of rustling fabric. It was sheet washing day. He recalled how sore his backside was from the previous night, but it had been well-worth the after effects.

“You’re already almost done?” May asked, stopping at his side.

He eyed the mountain of beige bedsheets in her arms. “Mm-hm.”

“Eager to please today?” She smiled, crinkling the worn skin around her eyes. She was only thirty, making Bertholdt wonder how many of those lines formed after their attack on the walls.

He shrugged. “Guess so.”

She patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll make sure to wash these extra good. You all deserve a nice clean bed tonight.”

“Hey,” Reiner’s voice piped up, hurrying in from outside. “Let me take care of those. You go rest. You’ve been up since six.”

“No, no, no. You’re all rained on. You must be freezing.”

He wiped the drizzle from his face. “I’m fine.” He held out his hands. “I insist.”

May sighed and dumped the linens in his arms. “Thank you. I’ve been wanting to lie down for hours.”

After May trudged out of the room, Reiner gave Bertholdt a wink. “Saved.” The taller boy managed a half smile as his friend marched to the house’s washroom in the back.

He finished the dishes and dried his hands. A tap came on his shoulder blade, causing him to flinch and whirl around. Annie stood with her usual placid expression. Why did she have to sneak up on him?

“Just so you know,” Annie began, “yours and Reiner’s impassioned fucking next to me last night has not gone unnoticed.”

Yes, he knew she had awoken. Yes, he knew she had heard. Yes, they continued despite it. But his embarrassment had been kept in check by his hope that she wouldn’t acknowledge the fact out loud.

His limbs went rigid and a sweat broke out on his forehead. “I—”

“I’m not judging, whatever makes your lives easier. But I need my rest and my sanity. I’ll begrudgingly accept you doing it at night while I’m asleep, but not so loud it wakes me up. But more importantly is for you not to tip off May that you’re horny rabbits. Please.”

He gave a weak nod. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

“You are. Reiner’s not.”

“Yes, he is. It’s not like any of this is ideal.”

“No, but it’s our ideal for now. We have decent shelter here. I’m not losing that because you’re…” She rolled her hand before grimacing. “ _Teenage boys_.”

“We’ll be more careful. I promise.”

“Good.” She turned and took her exit, muttering, “If Marcel were here they wouldn’t be acting so reckless.”

The words knocked the wind from him and he stood frozen for a few moments. No one had mentioned Marcel in so long, and she brought him up to scold him? Like he and Reiner were children who needed to be controlled? Is that what Annie thought of them?

Bertholdt found himself heading to their room and sitting on the edge of his bare mattress. His face burned red and he balled his fists. An excruciating ache claimed his throat and tears spilled from his eyes. Marcel would not try to ‘keep them in line.’ He’d be happy for him and Reiner. After all, he gave his life he gave so Reiner could live.

Annie had always been closest to Marcel. The kid’s dry sense of humor managed to pull genuine smiles and ever laughter from her. Reiner used to tease them about getting married when they were older, always earning ‘yuck’ and ‘no way!’ in return. Annie must have wished that titan had eaten Reiner instead. How could she not? She probably wouldn’t have minded if it had been Bertholdt who died either. Marcel would have given his life to save any of them that day.

Bertholdt missed him like crazy. A tidal wave of grief washed over him like he hadn’t allowed in some time. If Marcel were there, he would wrap an arm around his shoulders and say something like,  _”You’ve gotten through this before. You can get through it again. Now, get up.”_

Bertholdt wiped his eyes with his sleeve, trying to force away the thoughts but having little success.

Soft footsteps approached the door. “Bertholdt?” It was Annie. He looked away, face hot with shame. “I’m sorry,” she said, and stepped into the room. “I didn’t mean—I shouldn’t have said that about Marcel.”

He sniffled. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t use him to insult you.”

His gaze remained elsewhere. “Thanks.”

Her presence loomed for a few moments before she took her leave.

He remained on the bed, waiting for his face to cool so no one else would know he had been crying. He cursed himself for being so weak while Reiner had grown so strong. His friend, formerly powered on only his resolve had surpassed Bertholdt in every way except height. Though there was never a hint of resentment. He didn’t think it possible to be as proud of someone as he was of Reiner.

Reiner grew into himself after Marcel died. Annie had always been stoic and unflappable. But Bertholdt was just there. Along for the ride. He felt his titan was the only notable thing about him. The colossal titan and its secondary form, Bertholdt Hoover.

A heavy gait neared the room that he knew as Reiner. “There you are,” Reiner said, stepping to his side. “Since you finished early you can help me roll the dough.”

Bertholdt nodded and stood, ducking his head as he moved past his friend and into the kitchen.

They all pitched in on tasks, but generally Bertholdt cleaned, Annie knitted a share of clothing May sold at market, and Reiner helped bake the bread she sold. Something Reiner found he actually enjoyed. Even managing to perfect the yeast-to-flour ratio for all six bread pan sizes. Miss May had it wrong for years, causing her loaves to lack fluffiness.

He didn’t have to help improve when they would have gotten their share regardless, but he was uncomfortable leaving things with room for improvement.

Bertholdt dragged a bag of flour across the counter and Reiner asked, “Is something wrong?” He shrugged and continued gathering baking ingredients. “No, something’s wrong, I can tell. You were fine when I went to wash.”

He couldn’t tell him what Annie said about Marcel, or even mention his name. Reiner was in a good mood and he wouldn’t ruin that with his meltdown. Though Annie’s warning had to be shared.

Bertholdt sighed and placed his hands on the countertop. “Annie’s mad at us.”

“Annie’s always mad at us.”

“Heh, yeah, it’s just... I know we’ll be joining the cadets soon but we need to stay here until then.”

“Right.” He blinked. “Oh. The sheets. It’s fine, they’re not stained. They’re hanging to dry right now. Spotless.” He inched closer, noting his friend looked like he’d been crying. Nothing hurt more than seeing Bertholdt in pain. “Hey, hey, c’mere.” He held out his arms.

Bertholdt sunk into his embrace and a calming warmth engulfed both. Reiner had to do something to quell his despair. That was his job. He decided to be bold and go with something fun, sliding his hands to his companion’s backside.

Bertholdt winced before whispering, “Reiner!”

“Sorry. My hand slipped.”

His shock faded into a small smile. “You always know how to make me feel better. I don’t know how you do that.“

”Magic.” He hugged him again, nuzzling his neck before planting a kiss there. Saltiness touched his tongue. “You taste like sweat.”

He pulled back. “Isn’t May in the next room?”

“And she’s out like a light. Annie is busying knitting. The furnace is loud. It’s raining and thundering again...” He peppered his neck’s pulse point with kisses.

Bertholdt hadn’t been remotely in the mood, but Reiner’s wandering hands had his body flushing. They were in the middle of the kitchen and May or Annie could still walk in. Or Mark, the man who was scheduled to deliver milk that day. He started to say something, suggest they go back to their room, but his mind went blank when Reiner slipped his tongue in his mouth. There was no time for extended foreplay, their hands roaming across each other’s bodies only for a few moments before Reiner unfastened Bertholdt’s pants. The blond was already hard from the contact, pressing his groin against his hip so he could feel it.

“Oh, yeah.” Reiner beamed at the feeling of the taller boy’s stiffening length in his hand.

Heat tightened in Bertholdt’s stomach as his friend started jerking him off. Rough tugs intending to get him to come quickly. Reiner then slid his hand further between his legs, fondling and squeezing before moving back to the firmness of his entrance.

Bertholdt clenched at the touch. “I’m kinda sore.”

Reiner stopped all movement. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it—”

“It’s okay. I figured I would be after that.”

“If I’d known, I wouldn’t have—”

He trailed his hands down his chest. “Reiner, it’s okay. I swear.”

He quirked a brow. “Why don’t you get me all sore then?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah, use your fingers.”

Bertholdt blinked a few times before deciding not to argue and slicking his fingers with saliva. It would only be a small help, but it was better than nothing. Reiner undid his trousers and parted his legs. He grabbed hold of the taller boy’s arms when the first digit made its way in. A burn of pain at the intrusion of the unprepared orifice. Bertholdt started to stop, but the blond nodded to keep going.

A muffled cough sounded from the next room, but like when Annie awoke the night before, they just couldn’t  _stop_. To hell with Annie’s warning. May would be so shocked to walk in and see this. See them for what they truly were. After all, at this tender age they were expected to be awkwardly kissing and at the most rubbing each other through their clothes. Not this.

Fuck it. Fuck decency. They weren’t decent people anyway.

“God, yes, Bertl baby. Just like that,” Reiner breathed out, the pleasure matching the pain as the second finger made its way inside. The burn continued as Bertholdt crooked his long fingers.

Reiner cursed and bucked forth, removing one of his hands from Bertholdt’s arms and touching himself. The taller boy bit his cheek as he pumped his fingers against the sweet spot before letting out a stuttered breath. His own cock was achingly hard. Making Reiner a mess Reiner turned him on like crazy.

Reiner’s hips jerked forward. “That’s so gonna make me s—sore—” He stilled as he came with a shaky whimper, staining his partner’s shirt.

Orgasms from dual stimulation made standing difficult so he slumped to the floor, pulling Bertholdt with him.

“Annie?” Miss May’s voice called and they heard her shuffling to the back of the house.

They needed to hurry and finish. Reiner gave Bertholdt a long, wet kiss and slid one hand up his shirt, caressing his hot skin. The taller boy shuddered and Reiner wrapped his other hand around his leaking dick. Bertholdt muffled a moan and pressed his hand over his own mouth, slinging his other arm around Reiner’s neck.

“Beautiful Bertholdt,” Reiner whispered, pumping his cock faster. “You have no idea.”

His eyes fluttered shut and he came with a whine against his hand. Bertholdt lolled his head back against the wooden cabinet, chest rising and falling. They shared a tender kiss, the taller boy aglow with the feeling of Reiner against him. For whatever reason, Reiner adored him despite his weakness.

They stood and made themselves decent. Bertholdt buttoned his overshirt to cover the stain and Reiner wiped his hands on a dishrag. He did infact feel raw from Bertholdt’s fingering, and he loved it.

Reiner raised a finger to his lips. ”Shhh.”

Bertholdt smiled a little as he rinsed his hands in the sink. His friend’s mischief curbed the shame in his gut. They shared another brief kiss before May and Annie entered the room.

Annie gave them a suspicious stare and May said, “Bertholdt, you’re all sweaty.”

Bertholdt wiped his forehead. “Oh yeah, um I just—”

“He got too close to the furnace,” Reiner interrupted, and Annie’s skeptical eye turned to a death glare.

For a brief second, Reiner wished May had walked in on them. A conflicting desire to have at least have one person know who and what they really were. The want twisted his insides.

_See us, you goddamned morons._

May yawned and made her way to the counter, taking out the baking ingredients. Annie was clearly fuming and Bertholdt an odd mixture of nervousness paired with post-sex relaxation. Reiner started to help, wishing instead to grab their host by the shoulders and spell it out to her.

Tell her that the poor orphans she took in had turned their world inside out. That the fat titan she murmured about eating her sister and parents was called there by Annie whom she adored because she was ‘so darn feisty.’ That they could never offer anything more than their condolences.

Reiner wanted to tell her they knew why the world was like this and why titans existed. How the Eldians behind the walls had their memories of the real world erased. The same Eldians that were supposed to be evil. He wished she knew she was being used like the come-stained washcloth by the sink. That they cherished her gift of grapeseed oil not because it healed their hands, but because it made fucking in her kindly-offered bed easier.

He gulped the dissenting desire down.


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh, mister Braun, please tell me you’ve changed your mind?” one of five working women spoke.

Reiner dropped a garbage bag in the back alley bin. “Just the trash, ladies.” He turned and met their leers. They stood adorned in flashy clothing, sloppy makeup, and shoes that must make walking on the rain-slicked ground difficult.

The same girl pouted. “But you’re the best-looking man in the district.” They obviously couldn’t have known his actual age. Though the tiny redhead among their group could not have been much older than him.

“Yeah, yeah. You still leaving Bertholdt alone? You know this sorta thing makes him uncomfortable.”

“We are,” the redhead answered. “Anything you want us to do, we’ll do.” She winked.

Starting back inside with a shake of his head, a nagging curiosity made him stop. “Hey, can I ask you all something?”

“Mm-hm?” replied the wavy-haired brunette, whose name he knew as Delilah.

“Do you actually believe what comes out of your mouth? Do you actually want to jump my bones? Or have you just convinced yourself you do?”

She laughed. “Ego check?”

“I’m serious. All this flirting and having to hook up with guys that _no one_ would want to otherwise. I just have to wonder.”

“Why?”

He shouldn’t be asking questions like this. It didn’t matter, but his interest overpowered his rational thinking. “It’s just—how do you do this every day?”

Delilah’s face softened. “You’re definitely curious.”

“You get your johns to believe you’re having a good time, right?” They nodded. “How’s that?”

“They’re stupid. They believe what they want. If they didn’t, we’d have hardly any business.”

“Do you actually enjoy it ever?”

“Depends.”

“Because you actually do or because it’s easier to make yourself believe it? What are you thinking while it’s happening? Do you just want it to be over? For the money?”

“You’re _very_ curious,” said the most scantily clad of the group. “I never think about it that much. It’s just work. I have a son and doing this feeds him.”

“Why’d you choose this?”

“It wasn’t a choice, it was a necessity. In case you forgot, two years ago two titan assholes knocked down the walls and let a bunch of their little titan asshole friends in. Slimmer pickings for everyone.”

“Are you from Maria?”

“Yep.”

“I’ve been doing this long before the walls fell,” Delilah said. “I have a little system actually. Street me goes crazy over dicks. Real me, thinks they’re like worms.”

He laughed. “That’s a good system.”

“You obviously can’t relate.”

His smile fell. “What?”

“We’re trained to pick up on things. Which guys are trouble, which guys need something rough, which ones need something soft. Which ones need talk and which ones who need us to shut up. So the fact you’ve never given a second glance to these—” She grabbed her generous cleavage, “—tells me about you. You’re in love with your friend, Bertholdt, right?”

He swallowed. “So you think you’re intuitive?”

“I know I am. I can see people for what they really are.”

His heart palpitated and he ran his tongue across his bottom lip. “So… can you also tell I’m a titan double agent masquerading as some innocent kid?” He regretted the words the instant they left his mouth, but relaxed when the girls burst out laughing.

“Oh yeah,” cackled the redhead. “You have skeevy written all over you.”

“Reiner?” Bertholdt’s voice called from inside.

“Report back to your titan pals not to bother with me ‘cause I’m too bony,” Delilah said.

“Reiner?” Bertholdt called again, coming outside and stopping upon sight of the women. “Uh, Annie wants to talk to us about something.”

“Sorry,” Reiner said. “Just got distracted.”

Bertholdt nodded. “Okay.” He glanced at the twilight sky. “Well, I think it’s gonna rain again. So...”

Reiner and the women exchanged waves and he followed Bertholdt inside the house’s welcoming warmth.

“What were you talking about?” Bertholdt asked, leading him into their bedroom. “It sounded like they were laughing.”

“I was just curious about them. Why they’re in that line of work.” Reiner’s eyes searched the room, wondering where Annie was.

“Oh.”

He smirked. “Are you jealous?”

“What? No, no. I just don’t see why it matters. Why they do what they do.” Bertholdt had wondered the same thing, but never considered asking for their reasons.

“No, you're right. It doesn’t matter. I just had some idle curiosity. No harm done.” Though he wasn't about to mention his titan double-agent joke.

Annie slammed Reiner face-first against the wall. A sharp sting of pain when she bent his arm behind his back.

Bertholdt jumped. “Annie, stop!”

“I have had it,” Annie seethed, further contorting his arm. It would break with any more force.

Reiner remained still, other free hand flat against the wall’s peeling paint. “May’s gonna hear—”

“May is at the corner shop.”

Bertholdt tiptoed over, starting to place a hand on Annie’s shoulder before figuring it a bad idea. “Annie, what are you doing?”

“I said, I have had it,” she repeated, turning her head to Bertholdt. “What had I _just_ told you in the kitchen earlier? Discretion. And to think I apologized for bringing up Marcel.”

He shrunk back. “I’m sorry.”

“If you’re gonna break my arm, break my arm,” Reiner barked. “I’m not going to fight you.”

Annie stood on her toes, leaning toward his ear but coming nowhere close to it. “No, you’re not, you’re going to listen. You two, you are so _obsessed_ with each other you don’t even _think_ about anything else.”

“About _what_?”

“Our mission. You keep acting like this, so selfish that god only knows what will happen once we’re in the cadets. It’s not just your fucking all over this pig sty, it’s the way you… you…”

“What?”

“You leave me behind."

Reiner let out an unamused laugh. “Because you make it so easy to get close to you.”

“I’m not asking for cookies and hugs, I’m asking for us to be on the same page through this. Like we were before.”

His arm throbbed under her steady pressure. “Before? You mean when Marcel was here? Just say it. I know you’ve been thinking it for two years, just come out and say it.”

“If he were still here, it wouldn’t be like this.”

Bertholdt hugged himself, digging his nails painfully into his skin.

Reiner shut his eyes. “I know. You wish he’d have let that titan have me. Because he was the strongest. He sacrificed himself so I could live. Me, the terrified moron who clearly didn't deserve the armored titan." His throat clicked. "And every time you look at me, you see the reason he’s dead. I _know_. I think about him every day. And I am _trying_ every day to not be the coward who got him killed.”

Annie released him and stepped back. Bertholdt took Reiner’s injured arm, asking, “Are you okay? Is it broken? Will you have to heal it?”

“It’s fine,” Reiner replied, straightening the limb and ignoring the stiff ache.

Annie stood with her arms crossed, gaze downward.

“If you want to take your anger out on one of us, let it be me,” Bertholdt said. “I’m the one who looked you in the eye and lied. Who made you feel guilty when you were right.”

“No,” she said, looking up. “He’s the bad apple here. You just go along with whatever he says and does.”

Reiner gritted his teeth. “You know what, Annie? It’s not just me and him who would shock and appall May. I think she’d be pretty disturbed to know how you’ve been so effectively killing the mice in the basement.”

Her jaw clenched. “It’s more efficient than setting traps.”

“And messier. Wastes soap and water cleaning the blood and fur off your shoes.”

She threw her hands up. “Fine! I won’t do what needs to be done anymore. I’ll just go along with whatever you think is best.”

He paused, a heavy downpour outside hammering against the roof. “Marcel would’ve died for any of us.”

“I know. And believe me, I am still pissed at him for it.”

“Then what can I do? What is it you want me to do?”

“Stop treating this place like your own brothel is a start.”

“Okay. That’s fair. We can do that. Right, Bertholdt?”

Bertholdt tightened his grip on Reiner’s arm. He just wanted this argument to end. “Of course.”

“Don’t lose sight or he died for nothing,” she added, letting her arms fall to her sides. “Also… when we join the cadets, I won’t know you. I won’t speak to you. I won’t associate with you unless we’re put together or because we need to convene over strategy.”

Bertholdt gaped. “Why... why would you do that?”

Reiner pulled free from Bertholdt’s grasp and stepped forward. “You _just_ said you wanted us to be on the same page.”

“Look, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. You’re strong together, I’m strong alone. We’re weak like this. Plus, it slices off a bit of suspicion if we split. You do your thing, I’ll do mine. And we'll do _our_ thing when we need to.”

Reiner felt a headache ontop of his sore arm. “If that’s your choice, then that’s your choice.”

“It’s not a choice, it’s a necessity.”

Bertholdt gathered a flicker of courage. “Annie, you act like we’re against you. I promise, we’re not. We want to go home as much as you.”

“He’s right,” Reiner said. “We’re not your enemy.” She remained silent, so he slid closer. Half-sure entering her personal space would get his arm broken for real. “Look, I know you might never forgive me, but I can promise I won’t mess this up. We’ll survive and go home. You’re our comrade.”

“We’re all on the same side,” Bertholdt said. “Do you think we’d leave you behind? That you’re not as important? Because you are.”

Annie pursed her lips, a rare vulnerability striking her hard features. “If you say so.” She smoothed a lock of hair behind her ear. “Sometimes I wonder how it'd be if we’d been given different titans." She cocked her head. "You ever wonder what it'd be like to be stuck in this awful room with Galliard, Pieck, or Zeke instead?”

An unexpected laugh crept up Reiner’s throat. “Annie, I can at least assure you I'm glad you're here instead of Galliard.” Annie's features softened further.

“I’ve always been glad it was you,” Bertholdt said. “No one else would’ve been better for this.”

***

The rain had slowed to a moderate pace and created a soothing thrum against the roof. Bertholdt lay on his bed beside Reiner, gazing at each other in the dim light. “I don’t want her to go,” Bertholdt murmured.

“I know,” Reiner replied, peering over to where Annie slept soundly. “But she’s already not really here.” The taller boy frowned. "Hey, none of this is your fault. I’m the one she hates.”

“She doesn’t _hate_ you. She just resents you. She hates me because I…” He gulped. “Go along with whatever you say and do.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is.”

He sat up on his elbow, a twinge of ache remaining from Annie's hold. “You don’t have to. I never want you to just go along with everything.” He paused. “I never should’ve started that with you in the kitchen.”

“No, no, Reiner I wanted to.” He blushed a little. “I promise. I did. We just shouldn’t have.”

He fell back to his side. “You should tell me to fuck off when I need to.”

“Why would I want you to?”

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow. “You in the mood right now?” _He_ was despite the satisfying encounter earlier. Stripping off their clothes and grinding against Bertholdt’s bare skin would be bliss, melting away the day’s stresses.

“Not really.”

He climbed atop Bertholdt, his body flaming with need. Their lips were inches apart. “Because I am.”

The closeness felt good, but failed to stir anything more. “I’m not.”

“Okay then.” He climbed off and returned to his former position. He shivered at the painful loss of contact. “Promise you’ll always tell me?”

“I promise.”

He trailed a hand through his dark hair. “You do have to do one thing I say: keep washing your hair with whatever it is you’re using. It’s so soft and floofy.”

Bertholdt laughed, a welcome sensation. “It’s that pine bark mixture. I’ll make sure to keep using it.”

He trailed the back of his fingers across his neck, then the thin fabric of the nightshirt covering his arms, finally resting on his hand. “Once this is all over, you wanna get married?”

Bertholdt stiffened, eyes growing wide. “I—what?”

“You heard me.”

“Reiner, you know they’d never let us.”

“Why not? When they say we’ll be Marleyan that means all the way. We’ll be heralded as heroes.”

“If we were just two boys, maybe they’d—as a reward, but you’re...”

“A half-breed? It’s not like we can reproduce.”

He grimaced. “Don’t call yourself that.”

He squeezed his hand. “My parents, us, it’ll happen.”

Bertholdt held back his arguments. He just promised he would tell Reiner if he ever disagreed, but he couldn't bear to crush the hope in his friend's eyes. It was too beautiful. “If you believe it, then I do too.”

Though Reiner had also believed the people behind the walls were evil. Which after two years had proven not to be true per se. Perhaps not the desperate refugees they had been forced to live with side-by-side. Perhaps the real evil actually resided in the capital. No one they had encountered held them in high regard.

During the reconnaissance mission to reclaim Wall Maria, rumors circulated that wealthy families and high-ranking officials behind Wall Sina were having feasts. Banquets so extravagant that they were ingesting tonics to induce vomiting so they could keep eating. Regardless of its truth, it served their consciences better to believe it.

Once they infiltrated the military police, hopefully all would make sense. Seeing the monsters who left their fellow Eldians to a life of oppression. They hoped. Yet Bertholdt carried more doubts than he would ever tell Reiner.

The two began to doze off when a knock at the door jolted them awake.

Miss May entered and they sat up. “You are supposed to be asleep. That means lights out.” While her words authoritative, they were delivered in the same kind tone as always.

“We’re sorry,” Reiner said. “Just got to talking.”

She smiled and strolled over. “I know. I used to stay up late talking with my sister.”

Reiner ambled over to his bed and Bertholdt pulled down the covers of his, asking, “What was her name?” Her smile wavered. “Oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...”

 _Why_ did _it matter?_  Bertholdt thought.

“It’s okay," she assured. "Her name was April. April and May, of course.” She took a breath, her voice lowering to a near whisper. “She let herself be devoured to save me. Lept in front of the titan that had its sights on me.”

A hot pain pierced Bertholdt’s gut. “I’m sorry.” His words only made the pain hotter. The futility of his words a mockery.

Reiner bit his tongue and nudged down his bedcovers.

“Thank you,” she continued. “I think we should be able to talk about it. She would have told me to. I’m always trying to be a little more like her. I like to think opening my doors to you would have made her proud.”

No one ever taught them how to deal with their laments. Their tragic stories. Their kindness. Only to believe it was lies. Tricks that devils play. No one ever warned them how loud the Eldians would scream either. Or how bright red their blood was. The same color as theirs. Not a sickly black, not scented like sulfur. It was crimson and faintly sweet-smelling. Reiner especially didn’t know why he was so surprised. After all, they shared the same blood.

May glanced at the table between their beds and the near-empty grapeseed oil vial. “Looks like I should haggle at the market for some more. April used to haggle gifts for me too.”

 _Idiot_ , Reiner thought.

No, this woman was nothing like them. She just couldn't be. Her lifespan had already exceeded what theirs would be. She got to live in blissful ignorance. She didn’t have to wear a band around her arm for the sin of her birth. Her biggest worry was getting the three of them in bed on time. And she was an idiot—having no idea what two of her guests were getting up to in the dark. Or that she was feeding humanity's greatest enemies.

But most importantly, she wasn’t him. Wasn’t Bertholdt. Wasn’t Annie. Wasn’t his family. She was dust. They all were.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note that this was written and published before the bit of backstory was revealed in the manga about why Reiner got the armored titan. Or else it would've come into play here.


	3. Chapter 3

The sunlight was a blessing as Bertholdt and Reiner cleaned the gutters. And when a gull circled angrily around Reiner, Bertholdt thought it funniest thing he had seen in years.

“You bastard,” Reiner teased as the bird retreated. “I’d never laugh at you if you were attacked by a bird.”

“Yeah you would,” Bertholdt countered through giggling. “And you’d tell absolutely everyone about it.” He lifted the last of the leaves and grime from the gutters and sloughed it into a bucket. He was grateful they had gloves.

He shrugged. “True. I would.”

Bertholdt breathed a sigh as he removed his gloves and scratched an annoying itch on his hairline. When he started to bring his hand down, he noticed how large it looked comparison to the people on the streets below. Just as he saw the horrified citizens of Shiganshina when he peered over the wall. Copper rooftops of the city spread out before him. Homes he could obliterate with a stomp of his foot and people he could crush with a clench of his fist.

His eyes were unblinking, his limbs as cumbersome as if in titan form. He zeroed in on four adults in the distance. Two talking side-by-side and two passing one another. If he reached out, he could hold them in his skinless hands and crush them to death. Their bones crunching and blood spurting. His titan’s heat cooking their pulverized bodies into a stew. The god of destruction's power possessed by a boy whose voice had just started cracking on their way to the walls.

_”Why is my—” Bertholdt cleared his throat, “voice cracking so much?"_

_“You’re just growing up, Bertl,” Marcel answered. “At least we can’t get acne.”_

_His plucky response went unacknowledged. The hardness of the air unbreakable like the eye of a cyclone._

Sweat ran down Bertholdt’s temple and the sun burned his tender skin. Oppressing his body just like his titan’s oven-like interior. The street below was so far down and he was so high. He didn’t want to be that high. He didn’t want the people below to be so small. His balance wavered and he tipped toward the eaves before strong arms yanked him back.

“Hey!” Reiner called. “You okay? I almost didn’t catch you.”

Bertholdt squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, his pulse pounding in his ears. “I—I need to get down, I need to get down, I have to get down...”

“Okay, okay. Let’s get you down, buddy.” He escorted him to the ladder and guided him down, gripping his wrists in case he fell.

“Why do you do that?” he asked as he reached the bottom step. “Call me ‘buddy’ or ‘man’ when you know...”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I?”

Bertholdt scraped his shoes against the pavement. His mind began clearing and skin cooling as he gazed _up_ at the rooftops. The people he had sighted above were no longer visible at ground level. ”Uh, nevermind. I think I must be dehydrated.”

“Came on pretty fast then.” He led him indoors and pulled a glass from the cabinet. “You sure that’s all?” He filled the glass with tap water.

Bertholdt sat at the kitchen table and laid his palms flat on the surface. They were covered in a smooth slate of olive skin, not muscle and sinew. But if he tore off that top layer of skin—his costume—he would look just like the hideous beast. After all, Bertholdt Hoover was just the colossal titan’s cover.

Reiner set the glass down in front of him, studying his friend’s vacant stare. “Here you go.” He took a seat beside him.

He blinked and started guzzling the water, the cool liquid soothing his dry throat. Turned out he actually was parched. He drained the glass and set it back down before wiping his mouth. “We left our gloves and buckets on the roof.”

“That's not important. Bertl, you haven’t been right lately. Is it Annie? The cadets? Both?”

“It’s... about everything, I guess.”

“It’s okay to feel that way, just try and keep it in line. You can’t be cracking now. I know that’s harsh, but it’s what you have to do.”

“That’s not harsh. It’s ‘right.’”

He got up and massaged Bertholdt's shoulders. ”Just relax, okay?”

Bertholdt leaned against his hands as Reiner’s touch further grounded him to reality.

The doorknob jiggled and Reiner removed his hands as May came inside. She froze in the doorway, an unreadable expression on her face.

Shutting the door behind her, she said, “The buckets are still on the roof.”

“Oh yeah, sorry,” Reiner replied. “Bertholdt got dehydrated and dizzy so we came down here. I’ll go get 'em.” He started to the door when May grabbed his arm. That was a first.

“I heard something from our neighbor, Adam, at the shops.”

Bertholdt’s stomach dropped. Certain her next words would be, _“I know you’re the armored titan, and you’re the colossal titan! Annie? I don’t know what she is, but she has to be one too!”_

“I don’t want to accuse you, but that man’s never told a lie in his life. He had come into our yard looking for the ball his son lost and said he saw you—” She looked to Reiner, “—with your pants undone and him...” She pointed to Bertholdt and sighed. “Well, he said your mouth was busy.”

They recalled the incident a few days ago. Reiner won at their checkers game, so he got to receive head first. How did Adam see that? They always closed the curtains. Though they remembered a beam of light across the game board

Damnit.

“Miss May,” Reiner began, “I'll admit he’s not lying.” He wished to tell her how stupid she was for only figuring this out now. And how stupid everyone on Paradis island was. They didn’t even know they were on an island! Yet his desire to spell out the truth was drowned out by his instinct to protect him and Bertholdt. “But it was just that one time. You know, hormones getting the better of us.”

“Then why have I found you in bed together? Was it really because of nightmares?”

Bertholdt felt himself start to sweat again. Annie was going to be _so_ mad.

Reiner folded his arms. “It just escalated recently. It won’t happen again.”

“I was not born yesterday. That oil went so quickly. I know what boys do together.”

“It’s true,” Bertholdt said, gazing at his hands again. “There's no point in trying to deny it, Reiner.”

She ran a hand through her black hair. “And with Annie in the room? Does she know about this?”

Reiner gave a nod. “Yes.”

“Look, I… I’m trying to retain my reputation. I know this is a seedy part of town. I know courtesans hang out around here, but none of that goes on in _my_ house. I can’t have it get out I let the thirteen and fourteen year-olds I took in... I’m not judging you, but I can’t trust you anymore. I’m sorry.”

Bertholdt stood. “May, we won’t do it anymore. We’ll sleep in separate rooms.”

Reiner raised a hand. “No, Bertholdt, we’ll go.”

A knock on the door and May sighed before going to answer it. ”Yes?”

A distressed-looking man stood outside rambling of an issue with his buggy. Eventually Reiner cut in, “Hey, I'll give you a hand. She’s tired and he’s tired, but I'm peachy.” He gave a reassuring glance to Bertholdt before following the man outside.

A thick silence fell and Bertholdt sat back down, staring at the empty glass before him. He was still thirsty and wished for more, but he wouldn’t dare get up and take water from the woman they deceived.

He heard May plod over and sit in the chair beside him. “Bertholdt.” He made himself look at her, expecting the hatred he deserved, but her face bore no hint of malice. “I don’t want to kick you out. I can’t bear the thought of putting the three of you out on the street. But I don’t know what else to do.”

“I’m so sorry about this. I never intended to... I never wanted to…”

“I know you didn’t. It's funny, idiot me only entertained the thought of one of you getting too close to Annie.”

“You’re not an idiot, you just didn’t know.” His voice hitched. “Y—you couldn’t have.” A sob racked his body. He wished Reiner or Annie back to bring him out of what was happening. To stop him from falling apart in front of one of _them_.

“Hey, hey,” May cooed, placing a hand on his wrist. “It’s going to be okay. Please know I don’t hate you.”

What was wrong with this woman? Showing him compassion after using and tricking her like that? This was never supposed to happen. Neither was him helplessly falling into her arms and crying into her shoulder. Staining with tears the wool sweater Annie had knitted.

“It’s not your fault, the way things are. None of this is your fault. When this all happened, you were just babies. All the kids I’ve seen come through here were just babies. And the three of you have been on your own for two years. That's no kind of life people your age should have to live. Of course you and Reiner waiting until a ‘proper’ age felt ludicrous.”

He held in a gasp, clutching at the fabric of her sweater. “I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry about your sister, and your parents. Your home.”

She took a beat, Bertholdt almost able to hear her confusion. “Thank you. I’m sorry about your family and your home too. And that friend I’ve heard you talk about. What was his name?”

He sniffled, struggling to breathe through his nose. “Marcel.”

“I’m sorry about Marcel too. If it makes you feel any—”

The door opened and Bertholdt froze, terrified to see how Reiner would look at him for this. He always said if anything was ever too much, to come to _him_. Seek comfort in _his_ arms. Yet there he was taking fake comfort in the arms of the enemy.

“Hey,” Reiner said, voice apprehensive. The door clicked shut. “That’s all taken care of.”

May looked up and gave nodded. “Thank you, Reiner.” She separated from Bertholdt and rose to her feet. “I’m going to see if Annie is done with her bath. You can talk things out if you’d like. I’m not going to make any decisions on the technicalities of your leaving just yet.” She patted Bertholdt’s back before heading down the hall, floorboards creaking in her wake.

Bertholdt wiped his eyes and Reiner bit his cheek, uncertain how to proceed.

Reiner stepped over and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Look at me,” he said. The taller boy shook his head. “We need to leave.”

“She’s so nice to us,” Bertholdt muttered.

He had no idea how to respond because she _was_ kind. He couldn’t detail her misgivings because there were none. “Yeah. She is.”

“I don’t want them to show us kindness.” His voice lowered to a whisper. “I wish they were evil.”

Reiner knelt. “Look, it doesn’t matter what they are or aren’t. It’s not up to us to decide.”

“Do you still think they’ve evil?”

“Yes.”

He finally met his gaze. “No, you don’t.”

“Bertholdt—”

“If you did, you wouldn’t be asking the prostitutes about their lives. Why they do what they do. You wouldn’t _care_. Because they’re useless whores. Dust. Insignificant.”

“I’m playing a role.”

“When no one’s looking? You don’t… you don’t even understand what’s going on in your own head half the time.”

He shook his head. “That’s… that’s not...”

Okay, maybe there was _some_ truth to that. For instance, he couldn’t place exactly why the idea of him and Bertholdt being caught having sex was so titillating. It went against every instinct to keep their proclivities secret, would humiliate poor Bertholdt, and they wouldn’t be able to finish after being caught. Their innocuous secret was out to Miss May, their neighbor, and to whomever else said neighbor may have blabbed. Yet knowing they knew stirred not excitement and pleasure but produced a dull heat in his stomach.

Why did he want to confess anyway? To shame them? One didn’t care about the opinions of the unimportant. So why? He had no urge to gloat or laugh at their host anymore. Not after her lackluster reaction. He felt only the urge to—

Apologize.

“Look,” Reiner started, “like I said, we need to get out of here. I don’t care if we’re homeless. It’ll do us good to be on our own again.”

The floorboards creaked again and May strolled out beside a freshly-bathed Annie dressed in a brown robe. Her stare was listless rather than enraged like both Bertholdt and Reiner expected.

Bertholdt squared his shoulders. “You should let Annie stay. Her living here won’t hurt your reputation.”

“No, no, no,” May said. “I couldn’t separate you.”

“Don’t be a martyr, Bertholdt,” Annie said with an eye roll.

“I thought you’d be a lot madder,” Reiner commented.

She bared her teeth. “I had a nice soak.”

"You really want to come with us?"

"I feel like we _should_ stay together until we inevitably drift apart."

***

Bertholdt had taken to his room immediately after a tense supper. He always did something of that sort when upset. _‘I’m not hungry.' 'I’ll take it to my room.' 'May I be excused?’_

Reiner slunk over to Annie who stood wiping down the table. “Would you be the one? To talk to him?”

Annie kept cleaning for a few moments before answering, “About what?”

“You know what. I just can’t bear to.”

“Why would I cut you a break?”

“It’s not for me, it’s for him. It’ll hurt less coming from you.”

She dropped the cloth on the surface. ““Why would I cut _him_ a break?”

“Because you like him slightly more than me.”

She sighed. “No. You do it. You really want him to see you going soft and asking me to deliver a bunch of unpleasantries?”

His shoulders fell. “No.”

“Actually, you know what?” She grabbed his arm and pulled him toward their room.

“Annie!” He cursed her freakish strength.

She pushed open the ajar door to Bertholdt perched on his bed, knees pulled to his chest. His eyes were still ringed red. Annie crossed her arms and Reiner took a tentative place before his friend. “Hey, Bertl,” he said.

“You don’t have to talk to me like a scared animal,” Bertholdt replied.

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” What he was about to say would cause more pain for his beloved and he wished he didn't have to say it. “I know all this is overwhelming. But it's just—you have to understand, you have to remember that…” He heard Annie blow a breath from her nose behind him. “May’s only shown us this kindness and understanding because she thinks we’re like her. That we’re cut from the same cloth. I guarantee you she and everyone else who’s given us a smile and helping hand wouldn’t think twice about hurting us if they really knew.”

“In more blatant terms,” Annie started, cocking her head, “they’d tie us up and torture us in the town square out there. At that point they’d know we can heal so they can keep on doing it. Splitting us open and wrapping our entrails around our bodies and plucking our eyes from our sockets. That is until the government finds us and they’ll probably have some really inventive interrogation techniques.”

Violent images splashed across Bertholdt’s mind. A mob gathered around the three brandishing weaponry and venting their misery.

_“Devils? You’ve been told we’re demons!? We weren’t, not until you! You drove us to this!”_

_”It’s incredible what seeing the remains of your neighbors vomited up by a titan will do to your inhibitions. The things you’re willing to do, that you enjoy doing...”_

_”People went hungry because of you! I did, my family did. People died of starvation. You regenerate, so let’s keep chopping off pieces of you and feed everyone in our district.”_

“They’d probably rape me too,” Annie added, chillingly nonchalant.

A tremor shot through Bertholdt's body. She was right. There would be no Bertholdt Hoover, Reiner Braun, and Annie Leonhardt. They would only see the colossal, armored, and female titans. Two teenage boys and one teenage girl a mere costume to mask the true monstrous forms.

Reiner gripped Bertholdt’s hand, as much to comfort himself as his friend. “You remember the livestock back home? How we had to slaughter them after a few months of getting to know them?”

Bertholdt nodded. “Mine’s name was Peter.” He’d never forgotten the name he had to give the animal.

“Do you remember what they said when we hesitated to kill it?”

“They said if we couldn’t be the butchers, then we’d be the cattle.”

“Right.”

The seven warrior cadets had been assigned an animal to befriend for several months before its slaughter. Slaughtering a cow or pig for dinner wouldn’t have been so difficult in and of itself, but after giving them names, head pats, and sugar cubes, the final act had proven difficult for some. Reiner, Bertholdt, and Pieck in particular.

Annie, Zeke, and Porco sliced their former animal companion’s throats with ease. Annie and Zeke’s cuts straight and precise, while Porco’s jagged, catching on the throat and knocking off a few points. Marcel inhaled a quick breath before cutting his lamb’s neck with finesse. Reiner, Bertholdt, and Pieck stood still for an unacceptable few seconds, knives raised in their unmoving hands. Their three animals had noticed what was happening around them and started struggling. The instructor yelled at the three to kill them.

At last, they did so, Pieck shutting her eyes and impaling her cow through the head. She lost points for not killing it as they instructed, but got props for innovation. Bertholdt inhaled sharp sobs while he restrained his cow and killed it. Reiner was ashamed he finished last, but he kept eye contact with the sweet lamb he named Basket as he ended its life. The sight of the dead animals forced a gag from Reiner's throat and earned a disparaging remark from Porco. The animal’s blood was crimson and sweet-scented too. All blood was the same.

Reiner lay awake that night with his stuffed teddy bear, dragging his finger across the worn beige fur of its neck and wondering what it’d look like with blood gushing from it. Bertholdt told him sadly it was probably time to give away their stuffed animals. It was miraculous they had been allowed them so long.

A tear ran down Bertholdt’s face as they both remembered the first lives they had taken. The first lives they had toyed with and the first trust they had broken. May was eating sugar cubes from their hands just like the animals.

Reiner pressed a kiss to Bertholdt's cheek and caught the tear he shed. Maybe he couldn’t stop the tears from falling, but he could catch them when they fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended this to be only three chapters, but there's an epilogue of sorts up next. Heh.


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lowkey loathe this ending, but I tried. :P

The following months on the streets had been harsh. May had indeed—and reluctantly—let them go. But after Bertholdt's breakdown, distance was necessary. And the further he got from that house, the more his pain quieted from a howling storm to a low rumble of thunder.

They eventually found work and shelter for a less-than-patient man. The two boys had to steal moments alone in uncomfortable places for lovemaking. Yet now they had joined at the cadets, and Annie had indeed cut ties with the two. Despite how little she had been involved with them before, her snubbing still hurt.

Bertholdt sat in his bunk reading a moderately interesting book while Reiner was out helping a boy named Connie Springer learn an axe technique. Again he wondered how aware Reiner was of his own actions. Though lending a helping hand was nowhere near over involved.

To avoid socializing with the other kids, Bertholdt had spent roughly thirty minutes after finishing his book pretending to still be reading.

His luck ran out when a voice from the bunk beside him asked, “What is so good about that book you’ve been reading it for almost an hour?” Jean Kirschstein.

“Leave him alone,” came Eren Jaeger’s voice from the bunk below, but he followed with a curious, “What _is_ it about?”

Bertholdt resigned to his fate and shut the book. “It’s about a young girl whose medical team is trying to cure disease outbreak. Pretty sure it’s a metaphor for titans. Actually...” He inched over to the edge of his bunk. “The main character reminds me of you, Eren. You might like it.” He held the book over the edge.

Eren reached up and took it. “Wow, thanks,”

_Sure, Bertholdt, an inspiring book will make up for the whole killing his mother and destroying his home thing._

He suppressed a groan. Where was Reiner? He was supposed to be back by now.

Moving over and lying on his bed, another voice asked, “You read a lot, Bertholdt?” That sounded like Armin Arlert.

Socializing was much easier with Reiner around. He acted like a shield, swooping in whenever he felt Bertholdt grow tense.

“Yeah,” Bertholdt replied. “I’d say so.”

“You’re lucky,” Eren said over the sounds of flipping pages. “You and Reiner are already so proficient in your skills you have time to read and do other stuff.”

“Oh, well this is still a grueling lifestyle. None of this has been easy.”

Actually, a large percent of it had been a cakewalk compared to warrior training. The time the cadets here were allowed for socializing, and the amenities granted like books and games made it feel like a relaxing camp retreat. As if even though the youth here were being trained to be soldiers, the adults knew they were just children inside.

“Don’t be so modest,” Marco Bodt chimed in from by Jean. “You owe it to yourself.”

Jean huffed and sat up. “Yeah, Bertholdt. And since we’ll be in the MP’s together, you oughta show Marco and I how to shoot like you did earlier. You were so awesome firing that rifle simulator. Where’d you learn that anyway?”

Why were they so interested in him? Damnit, he hadn't thought of a story to explain that skill. And he had held back while using the simulator, purposely missing the target a few times.

He rolled over on his side, meeting Jean and Marco’s interested gazes. “It was just a hobby back home.”

“You did that as a hobby? I can’t imagine _you_ shooting for fun.”

Marco smiled. “Hey, the quiet, nice ones are always the deadliest. Haven’t I told you I can hurl cannonballs with my bare hands?”

Bertholdt couldn’t help smiling at that. But he had to remind himself of what Reiner and Annie said months prior—they would slice him open without a second thought if they knew who he was.

The door opened and Reiner sauntered in, Connie dragging his feet behind him. Bertholdt breathed a sigh of relief.

The younger boy flopped down on his bunk, moaning, “I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die…”

“What did you do to him…?” Jean asked.

Reiner met Bertholdt’s gaze with a small smile before answering, “I made him a man.”

Bertholdt cracked up as the others’ eyes went wide. “Erm, you what?” Eren asked.

Reiner waved his hands, an actual blush forming on his cheeks. “No, no, no, I mean I showed him the axe maneuver. Remember, Bertholdt? That guy back home who always talked about how you’re only a man if you can swing an axe?”

Bertholdt nodded, trying to hold back his laughter. “Yeah, I remember.” It was about time Reiner was one to put his foot in his mouth.

“Well, Mikasa can use it,” Jean said with a dreamy exhale. “What does that make her?”

“Heh, I think Mikasa’s in a league of her own," Reiner, turning to look at the still-as-stone Connie. "Could probably kill us all with her thumb, so…”

Light chatter continued as Reiner changed into his nightclothes and joined Bertholdt on their top bunk. Boys across the room began to click off lights and wind down.

Reiner lay back and crossed his hands behind his head, staring the ceiling. A warmth buzzed through his body from the exertion of exercise and interaction. That kid, Connie, was hilarious, and he was half-certain the boy had a platonic crush on him. It was in his eyes. The way they sparkled when he swung the axe and the way he vibrated when Reiner used his hands to guide him. Okay, maybe it wasn’t just platonic because _that_ was beyond a friendly response.

But who knew? Why should he care? Why should he care about the astonishing feeling of the number of cadets who found him to be a ’great guy,’ ‘awesome,’ ‘super helpful,’ and ‘so funny?’

His mind segwayed to the unintended innuendo of his ‘made him a man’ comment. Most of the boys seemed to understand, and he wondered how they would react if they knew how far he and Bertholdt had gone. Likely it would gross them out as they were so young in both body and mind. And making kids go ‘ew’ wasn’t something he wanted.

Thoughts of his false comrades swirled with the cold drop of reality that was his mission and ultimate truth of the trainees’ fate. Twisting into a tight myriad of contradictions that—

“Hey,” Reiner whispered to Bertholdt, quieting his own thoughts. “Where’d that book go?”

Bertholdt turned on his side, pulling his covers up to his neck. “I finished it. Thought Eren might like it so I loaned it to him.”

“You oughta start a book club.” Bertholdt pulled the covers over his nose and shook his head. Reiner reached over and pushed it back down, brushing a thumb across his cheek. “Goodnight.”

***

Bertholdt let out a rough breath at his lack of tiredness.

“You awake?” Reiner asked, almost inaudible.

“Yeah,” Bertholdt replied at the same decibel.

“How long?”

“Don’t know. Little while.”

“What are you thinking about?”

Bertholdt quizzed his brain for a neutral answer on the off chance they’d be heard. “Home.”

“Yeah, me too.” That was a semi-lie. He was thinking of Marleyan versus Eldian combat training. Eldia’s was very flawed in comparison to Marley’s. It was a bit of a shame he and Bertholdt had to hold back their talents. “Also,” Reiner added, “I was thinking of that move you pulled a year ago when we were with Amy.” He put emphasis on the decoy name for Annie. “When she wanted um, girl ‘stuff’ and you uppercut that huge guy.”

Bertholdt smiled at the memory, not for the violence but for succeeding in such a daunting mission. Stealing _that_ for Annie should have been enough to earn them both a lifetime of gratitude. But alas....

“I mean, you were the same height but he was three times the bulk. You should help some of the smaller kids here.”

“Yeah. I guess so.” Teaching his enemies how to fight seemed especially insulting. Though he supposed Reiner was right. Outright selfishness would give a bad impression.

Reiner inched over to Bertholdt’s side. Snuggling up, he nuzzled his neck and inhaled his comforting scent. They probably shouldn’t fall asleep like that, but for then the closeness was wonderful. He wished the world would disappear and leave just the two of them. Just like how it felt the first night they were truly _together_.

The rule of their then boarding house had been to separate boys and girls. And as there were no other boys at the time, Reiner and Bertholdt had gotten a room to themselves. The owner was unkind, but passed out drunk at every night around ten allowing them to be as loud as they wanted. With quivering hands, they had undressed beneath the covers and caressed each other’s bodies. They had gotten the other off several times before, but never went all the way and never been naked during.

After that they understood why sex was so revered. Why the book they had procured detailing its various acts was secured in the library’s back room. Why it described sharing the same sweat and grinding skin against skin as euphoric. Because it was. And even better because they got to share the blissful act together.

Reiner and Bertholdt had been lost in each other that night, dizzy with love and pleasure. Free of keywords mission, Marley, warrior, walls, titan, military police, and coordinate. The thousands of titans in the walls could have come stampeding out and neither of them would have cared because they were coming so hard there were spots behind their eyelids.

"Hey," Reiner whispered into Bertholdt's ear. "You remember when you asked me why I still called you stuff like 'pal' or 'buddy?'"

"Yeah?"

"Did you mean you wanted me to stop?"

"Oh, no. No, not at all. I was confused that day, and it's always sort of ironically funny when a whole minute after _things_ you call me that."

He chuckled under his breath. "Yeah, I guess it is kinda funny."

"But no, I can't bear the thought of you not doing that anymore. Just because you always have and I've always liked it. I don't want you to stop and just call me 'babe' now. You know what I mean?"

"I know exactly what you mean." He paused. "You don't mind _Bertl baby_ , do you?"

Bertholdt twitched in his pajama bottoms. "Uh, Reiner, that kinda makes me..."

He smirked. "Sorry, buddy."

The terms were better-suited than 'boyfriend' and the like, they both thought. A 'boyfriend' was something one had for a few months, a best friend was for life. 

**Author's Note:**

> I also [tumbl](https://thecolossustitan.tumblr.com).


End file.
